I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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