dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
