new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i think my cat just said my name.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
