Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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