i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
