i think i have two assholes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
