Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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