The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
