Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
