Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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