i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
