my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
