I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
