I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
