my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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