apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
