Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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