He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
