all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
