you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize