So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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