I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
