Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
