I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
