i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
50% drunk capacity currently
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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