rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
