Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
