fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
