My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
