Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
