Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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