the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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