I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
