textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
