His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
