My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
