i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
