and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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