too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
