So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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