Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
