At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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