what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
