I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
