He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
