I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
