Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
that is very illegal...i love you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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