i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
