i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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