I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
